in a nutshell

You know when you run into a friend you haven't seen for a couple weeks and the natural, "how are things?" question is asked? And then, generally speaking, as to not keep your inquiring friend tied up for a half hour, you simply answer, "Well. Things are going well. Yeah, life is full, but we are all doing great." It's a concise and sufficient answer. And, speaking from experience, sometimes life can feel so full and yet so mundane that I feel that truly is my best answer. Because let's be real, who wants to hear about you picking up your dogs' business in the back yard, or how your car stalled out again for the third time that week. It's just not a head-nod-and-move-on kind of reply.

Sometimes I wish it were appropriate to say, "We've had school trips, and doctor appointments, and broken refrigerators, and potty training episodes, and dryer malfunctions, and tired mornings, we've been late to school, and the house is a wreck, and birthday parties, and vacation planning, and budget interruptions, and spelling tests, and tantrums in stores, and stained clothing, missing family, and trying to make school plans for next year, and a host of other family subjects that aren't meant for the general public... "

These things are all factual, but they just don't quite make it into conversation. I am sure my friends are grateful for that. Some days the 'nutshell version' just has to suffice. But I am grateful for the opportune times where we can just be real with each other.

So, next time you see me perusing, or rushing through Target, or in the hallway of church, or passing me in the carpool lane, let's just assume that we both really are well but life is, well LIFE. And, thanks for asking. ;)

In my weakness, He is strong

Do I really believe that good triumphs over evil? Do I really believe that the love of Jesus conquers all, and even more, covers a multitude of sins? These last few days have challenged my thought processes. If it’s really true, then there is a vast amount of unspoken love and quiet acts of heroism that are drowned out by atrocities such as we witnessed this last week. In my heart, I truly believe that love wins, it’s just so hard some days more than others to accept the fact we live in a crumbling, broken world.

I have had a myriad of thoughts flood through my mind that last several days, as I am sure all of us have. This morning was a challenge for me as I kissed my daughter goodbye; and watched her, as if in slow motion, ease past her baby brother’s car seat, step outside our vehicle, and run into her school building. There was a part of me that wanted to extend my arm, grab her coat, and not let her go. Not necessarily because I don’t believe Breckyn will be safe in the confines of her school walls. Not necessarily because I don’t believe her teachers will exercise every effort to keep her safe. And, not because I believe a gunman was going to break many more hearts today. 

But, all of this has brought about a new awareness of my own weaknesses and insecurities. These sad events have made me realize how weak I am, how little trust I exercise in fully surrendering to the Lord and submitting my children to him not just daily, but minute by minute. 

In the mundane and ordinary, and in the extraordinary and extravagant, is he Lord of ALL? Do I allow him to be Lord of ALL?

In my prayers I will offer gratitude to the Lord for lending me HIS children, but then something like the Sandy Hook tragedy happens, and I begin to question my own sincerity. As much as I would like to say I profess that I am ‘hands off,’ there is this place in my heart as a mother that wants to so desperately shield, protect, and stave off every evil. But the relevant and freeing truth is that I am not their savior. I am not the one who has written the story beginning to end. In scripture we are told we cannot fathom the heights, the lengths, and the depths of his love (Ephesians 3:18.) How then can I ever think to imagine that I can love my children more than he, the Author of life?   

Beyond the awareness of my own weaknesses this morning, my heart ached for all the moms and dads that just a few short days ago did exactly as the rest of us did in letting their child go in the hands of another willing and capable adult. I imagined their little faces, their last words with their moms or dads, their sweet smiles, and their oversized backpacks. The hopes and dreams they had. The dinner conversations, the Christmas wishes, the bedtime struggles, the tickling and hugs. It is all so real. 

I look at my own life and can’t deny the ache in my spirit that I feel for all those affected by this tragedy. I am heartbroken for the losses of life and the families and friends that must cope, and I am heartbroken for the survivors that saw first hand a true terror unlike anything they’ve ever known. To think how these sweet children must process through something no child should ever have to speak or think about. Ever.

I thank God that we have hope in Him. That Jesus came to bring life, and life to the fullest. I cannot imagine walking a road such as this without him. I pray that all who suffer with anguish will know true peace, and that redemption will come. We have hope in Him.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

blissful realities

Today was a lovely summer day. At lunch time, we took our food to a nearby park and ate in the sunshine. After, the children played on the playground. I sat there thinking how it was any child's ideal summer moment. Carefree, not a worry, and lots of laughs and giggles along the way. Especially when it came to mommy demonstrating the proper technique for hill rolling. There is a correct way, you know. It was so fun to roll down the hill. I hadn't done that for a couple years. You must try it yourself if it's been too long. 

As I watched my kids dig in the sand, scale climbing structures and whirl down the slides I had a moment of reflection. I remember not too long ago, in my days of being a babysitter and nanny, the times I took other people's children to the park, or any enjoyable outing. I used to think back then how I couldn't wait until I would take my own children on special outings. I would daydream about the sweetness of the moment, focusing only on what I naively knew at the time - only the 'joy moments.' 

I pondered that some more - how I've found myself desiring the best parts of life, but not always desiring the work it takes to get there. 

Children are an amazing blessing. But there are undoubtedly moments of sheer insanity in my day to day life that certainly were not a part of my children-in-the-park-daydream. 

As I've been sifting through some areas of my spiritual walk and my relationship with God, it was easily paralleled in the same way. I so deeply want the good stuff of God. I want to relish in his mercies and enjoy his favor. I want to hear him clearly and know the depths of his heart. I want the relationship that almost seems effortless, though I know deep inside it's the effort of all the nitty gritty things that get me to the "goods" of God. 

Why is it so easy to want the end result without even beginning? I know my abdomen is asking me the same question every time I take a bite of a cookie, but that's beside the point. 

Anyway, all this reflecting today challenged me. It's the difference of the immature and the mature, not in behavior, but in heart. Back in my nanny days I was very responsible, trustworthy, and dedicated, but I still wasn't a mom. I knew what I could do and what I couldn't do. I had healthy boundaries for a reason. But it didn't qualify me to know the depths of motherhood and how sometimes those magical moments I witnessed with other children at the park with their parents may have not been as blissful as I'd hoped. Perhaps the parents were finally taking  a deep breath in the day after the exhausting moments of tantrums and time outs in their home. 

It's the same with God. 

There's digging and searching and learning and growing that goes far beyond our Sunday morning experiences and our quotable devotion we just posted on Facebook.

The 'easy' end is for the inexperienced. It's a hard pill to swallow some days, but it's the one that in the end, will refine us. 

Jesus himself can testify to that. 

moments, and moving on...

I would love to report that I have been capturing all the sweet, wonderful memories, or things my kids have said to make me laugh on a scratch piece of paper here at my home over the last several months, but sadly I have not. That motivates me to be a little more proactive on keeping things current here, such as tonight's sweet moment that I want to savor.

Well, to give a little background, our state has experienced traumatic wildfires in our beautiful forests this past week, and sadly the largest in state history took place in my own hometown. It has been a devastating week for many, and on many different levels. My heart breaks for the ones deeply affected by loss and the need to start over. I expressed to my husband the night the fires crept into the city that it felt like watching a loved one die right in front of you, and you have absolutely no control to help them; to save them. While I am so saddened by all of this, I am hopeful for our community to restore what has been lost and to rise up once again.

I certainly didn't intend this post to take a serious turn, but that background helps to make sense of tonight's story.

Each night at bedtime, the kids will prep for bed with Daddy, brush teeth, pajamas, all that good stuff. Then I spend extra time with Baylor (who is now 2 1/2!!), and he tucks in the older two. After Baylor, I make my rounds with the others to give kisses, snuggles, and as always, sing them a lullaby. It gets to be a long process, but so worth it. I have to remind myself they won't always want me to tuck them in, and I imagine the lullaby stage will only carry on for so long...

Anyway, Baylor has struggled with wanting to go to sleep the last two nights. That is a pretty big rarity for him. He has always done so well with bedtime and being ready to lay down right away. So, he was stalling a bit tonight and asked me at one point if I would rock him. Of course, I obliged but he had to at least let me change him into his jammies. ;)

As we're chatting while changing him, he says, "I don't want to go to bed." I ask him why and he says, "Because there's fire in my bed." Shocked that these words just came out of my 'baby's' mouth he says, "Fire can't get us there," pointing to the rocker. I couldn't believe it, and my heart felt so sad for him thinking of what his little mind may be processing as we've had news stories streaming and conversations flowing and tears streaming. I know children are little receptors to all kinds of things, but this one hurt a little more mostly because it made me realize how big he is getting and how each day he is becoming more and more aware of the world around him. He is becoming less of my baby every day.

Baylor, April 2012

He also reminded me of that while I sang to him tonight. I sang this song that goes, "Go to sleep my baby, sleep now little you..." it repeats that phrase, and each time he would say, "I'm not a baby, I'm a big boy," to which I rephrased half way through.

Finally, in all his efforts to stall, he says to me, "Mommy and daddy's bed is in mommy's room." Then we carry on with each sibling, stating their beds = their room. He then says, "I sleep in your bed." I gently tell him, "No, it's not big enough for all of us." Okay, it totally is, I'm just avoiding starting any possible new... trends...shall we say? His reply to me after a few seconds of two-year-old deep thoughts: "I sleep right next to daddy." He had the sweetest smile and little sly eyes as he said that, hoping to convince me that would still leave enough room for mama. ;)

I love my little guy and all the sweet conversations we've had as of late. It's such a bittersweet time - watching his little toddler self grow and mature, yet still having moments of complete emotion and tenderness, and wanting to conquer the world, yet rest in the comfort of mama's arms.

I will admit, it is tough to see these changes. There is nothing that compares to that tiny, squishy, totally dependent on you baby -- and here we are, miles from that.

Classic, and one of my favorite "BayBay faces" 

My motto in life is to "respect your season" and I want to do so with grace, but it doesn't change the fact that a mother's heart is always longing to nurture and often so with the desire of new life. Maybe the story is ready. Maybe it is ready to flip the page to a new chapter, and if so, I want my heart to be at peace with it. I don't know exactly, but I know the Author of our lives does. He writes our stories. I want him to always pen my days and for me to walk behind in total trust -- whether or not that includes sweet newborn scents, or the lugging of backpacks, or whatever else he has in store.

This past week has been a reminder that life is so dear and sweet, and it is only a vapor. It's been a reminder to savor the ones we love and to not cling too tightly to things we can never take with us when we leave this Earth.

New mercies, toddler undergarments, and the like

Yesterday was one for the books... er... blog... or whatever. No matter what you call it, I am pretty happy about today being here.

All before lunch time, I....

--Cleaned up a spill of blue food coloring off carpet. Which also included food coloring mixed with water in a spray bottle that was all over a portion of carpet and wall. Actually, this occurred at 6 o'clock in the morning. Double whammy.

--Fed breakfast to three hungry wolves. I mean, children.

--Played referee to multiple arguments or disputes.

--Stopped and cleaned up two bloody mouth episodes. It's called the frenulum, you know. That tiny piece of tissue that connects the gums near the upper lip in your mouth. FYI, it bleeds when torn. A lot.

--Matched up a huge pile of mismatched socks. They each found their lobster. Hey, I am not discounting any accomplishment from yesterday. That was a decent sized accomplishment. ;)

--Put out fires. Well, one fire. Literally. Scenario: Broderick, candle, important receipts. Lesson learned. Crisis averted.

--We capped the night off by having four extra kids stay with us during and after dinner, for a total of seven kids ages 5 and under.

Bedtime felt oh so sweet last night.

Seeing it on 'paper' doesn't feel so bad. It probably helps that I gave myself a full night of rest before recording such events. Had I written it yesterday there may have been excessive amounts of exclamation points and bold text. I mean.. INTENSE!!!! ;)

In the midst of everything, my three year old found it necessary to redecorate and adorn the entry wall. At least it added a smile to the day. For the record, that frame normally holds seasonal decor. So, in a sense, I guess this may have been appropriate for the day.

Although there weren't many relaxing or unwinding moments during the day, the brief minute I took to check Facebook, the first post I saw was from my friend Annie. It was a timely reminder and changed the outlook for the rest of my day. I'll share it below:

God's mercies are new every morning and His grace is sufficient for me today. I think sometimes I try to do lots of days worth of things in one day, when all I'm required to do is today's work. When I focus on that, I have so much peace and I am really able to say that His grace is totally enough. I'm reminded of how God provided manna for the Israelites everyday. He didn't provide a week's worth in one day, but each day He provided exactly what they needed. He does that for us. He gives us exactly what we need for each day, which causes us each day to rely on Him and look to Him. In this I can truly say that His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

Such a great reminder, and so freeing to say, "this is all I can do in this moment." Sure, I had laundry to tend to, a lot of cleaning I needed to start and finish, and a shower would have been lovely. But in that moment, caring for my baby's injured mouth was all I needed to tend to. His grace was enough. The carpets may have not needed another shampooing, after all I just did it a couple months ago for another spill of some sort, but HIs grace is still enough. All the things I wanted and needed to tend to were slowly slipping away in the midst of everything else that was sudden and relatively urgent, but His grace was still enough. He blesses me with new days, new mercies, and grace for today. 

a whole new world.

Cue magic carpet ride music...

What will my first post of 2012 hold? Well, nothing too exciting, so you can stop biting your nails now. Honestly, I should have thought this through a little better and had something profound or even funny to write, but perhaps that's a good entrance into my topic for the day.

My newest discovery...and it happens to be about myself (grammatical? is that supposed to say 'me?') It's always a little weird to write about yourself...well, at least in a public forum, like so. I suppose more or less this is just something I am coming to terms with, so why not share it.

I've started to realize the older I am the more introverted I become. Now, I want to be careful saying that because I have zero intentions of being a hermit or someone who lacks connection with people. I only say this based on some personal observations as of late. Maybe these observations don't even qualify me as introverted...maybe they make me a scaredy cat or something, I don't know, but they are my observations none the less, so humor me and read along.

[By the way - really hilarious images appear in Google images when both introvert, and extrovert are the search words. I am sparing you by not placing one here.]

Whether it's Christmas shopper crowds, or end of season sale shoppers, or your every day mid-April grocery shoppers... so sorry, but I am just not feeling it. I have this weird thing that comes over me when I walk into a store. I just want to be alone in there. Does everyone feel this way and that's just totally normal?I don't know, but there is something about solitude that I greatly long for....pretty much anywhere I go.

Leading me to the gym... okay, I may not be alone in this one, but I get total anxiety at the gym. But not necessarily for the 'typical' reasons for anxiety at the gym. I would likely go all the time if it were just myself and maybe five other people there. But the swarming, sweaty crowds? No thanks, I'll have a cheeseburger on my couch...at home...in silence. And fine, I'll pick up some free weights on the commercial break of The Biggest Loser. Seriously though, I try to psyche myself up and get in some Brenna-zone to block everyone out. I always feel I am being watched by someone, somewhere, and that inevitably i am doing something wrong...somehow. Reason number #48 I will portably never join a Zumba class.

Lastly, I didn't realize this was such a weird one until my husband brought it up to me. I used to think he would suggest getting out of the house every other day or so, so I wouldn't lose my sanity. Well, it all made sense last week. Prior to some holiday vacation time he had coming up, I was at home with the kids for two or three days in a row. No going out, not once. To me, that feels totally normal. We sit at the dinner table and he asks, "so after being stuck in the house for a couple days, do you have any plans for tomorrow?" I look at him with a puzzled smile and reply, "why? If I had it my way, we'd always be here." Of course I don't literally mean that, but it's largely the case. I LOVE being at home. He replies, "I LOVE being at home too, but I get stir crazy if it's longer than a day." We were laughing at each other and baffled at this new discovery.
It's really true though. I love being at home, just the kids and I, and of course my honey, on his days off. I love no agenda and no reason to leave. I dread official school season starting up when suddenly we'll have agenda...boo hoo.
Don't get me wrong, I love to get out with my friends once in a while, and dates with my husband are so treasured, and nights out with the family are perfecto, but give me a warm home, music, candles, snacks, and my family, and I am set for days.

So, through these observations I've come to realize that even though I may not be 100% introverted, I definitely possess a lot of tendencies. New Years eve? I would much rather stay in than go out. That may not always be true, but it's been the case for the last eight years straight...and who would want to break a streak like that? ;)

That said, I think motherhood has the potential to isolate us in some ways, and I have no intentions of becoming the neighborhood hermit who spies on my neighbors and doesn't set foot out of the house. Even introverts actually need people. :) There is something to be said for community and partnership and friendship and connection. All of those things are vital to LIVE and livelihood.

So if there's anything to be new-yearsie or resolution-like about this post is that I could stand to extend myself even more this year. Believe it or not, that was a goal of mine last year, and while I do believe there was some reaching out, I can definitely do more, be more, offer more and as the old adage goes, to have a friend you have to be a friend. So, I pray that the Lord would teach me more and more what it looks like to be a true friend. And lets honest, I am not looking for the masses -- I'd much prefer a small group of intimate friends that deeply know my heart, and me theirs, than to be a social butterfly with wings so wide they blind me to friends that are right over my shoulder. Ooh, was that almost deep, or what? Really though, that is what I want. Nothing against extroverts by the way, after all, I used to be one. Truly.

As this extremely long post comes to a close, i just want to thank you for sticking with me on this rabbit trail of an entry. Blogger is driving me nuts with its auto correcting. It makes me write trial instead of trail, and some other really goofy ones, too.

On a final, and unrelated note, I have started a goal of mine from last year. I have started journaling again. My long, lost love. Pen to paper; allowing the thoughts to escape my mind and be etched in ink. I am loving it.

Well, to all my friends, extrovert and introvert alike, may your new year be blessed and prosperous and full of LIFE!

I kind of need this

Kenneth Cole designed this shirt for Barbie's 50th celebration during Fashion Week in NYC (in 2009, I believe?) 

I have yet to find it anywhere online. I just thought this was too good. 

"My" Ken.