Do I really believe that good triumphs over evil? Do I
really believe that the love of Jesus conquers all, and even more, covers a
multitude of sins? These last few days have challenged my thought processes. If
it’s really true, then there is a vast amount of unspoken love and quiet acts
of heroism that are drowned out by atrocities such as we witnessed this last
week. In my heart, I truly believe that love wins, it’s just so hard some days
more than others to accept the fact we live in a crumbling, broken world.
I have had a myriad of thoughts flood through my mind that
last several days, as I am sure all of us have. This morning was a challenge
for me as I kissed my daughter goodbye; and watched her, as if in slow motion,
ease past her baby brother’s car seat, step outside our vehicle, and run into
her school building. There was a part of me that wanted to extend my arm, grab her coat, and not let her go. Not necessarily because I don’t believe Breckyn will be
safe in the confines of her school walls. Not necessarily because I don’t
believe her teachers will exercise every effort to keep her safe. And, not
because I believe a gunman was going to break many more hearts today.
But, all
of this has brought about a new awareness of my own weaknesses and
insecurities. These sad events have made me realize how weak I am, how little
trust I exercise in fully surrendering to the Lord and submitting my children
to him not just daily, but minute by minute.
In the mundane and ordinary, and
in the extraordinary and extravagant, is he Lord of ALL? Do I allow him to be
Lord of ALL?
In my prayers I will offer gratitude to the Lord for lending
me HIS children, but then something like the Sandy Hook tragedy happens, and I
begin to question my own sincerity. As much as I would like to say I profess
that I am ‘hands off,’ there is this place in my heart as a mother that wants
to so desperately shield, protect, and stave off every evil. But the relevant and
freeing truth is that I am not their savior. I am not the one who has written
the story beginning to end. In scripture we are told we cannot fathom the
heights, the lengths, and the depths of his love (Ephesians 3:18.) How then can
I ever think to imagine that I can love my children more than he, the Author of
life?
Beyond the awareness of my own weaknesses this morning, my
heart ached for all the moms and dads that just a few short days ago did
exactly as the rest of us did in letting their child go in the hands of another
willing and capable adult. I imagined their little faces, their last words with
their moms or dads, their sweet smiles, and their oversized backpacks. The hopes
and dreams they had. The dinner conversations, the Christmas wishes, the
bedtime struggles, the tickling and hugs. It is all so real.
I look at my own
life and can’t deny the ache in my spirit that I feel for all those affected by
this tragedy. I am heartbroken for the losses of life and the families and
friends that must cope, and I am heartbroken for the survivors that saw first
hand a true terror unlike anything they’ve ever known. To think how these sweet
children must process through something no child should ever have to speak or
think about. Ever.
I thank God that we have hope in Him. That Jesus came to
bring life, and life to the fullest. I cannot imagine walking a road such as
this without him. I pray that all who suffer with anguish will know true peace,
and that redemption will come. We have hope in Him.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and
destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John
10:10
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