moments, and moving on...

I would love to report that I have been capturing all the sweet, wonderful memories, or things my kids have said to make me laugh on a scratch piece of paper here at my home over the last several months, but sadly I have not. That motivates me to be a little more proactive on keeping things current here, such as tonight's sweet moment that I want to savor.

Well, to give a little background, our state has experienced traumatic wildfires in our beautiful forests this past week, and sadly the largest in state history took place in my own hometown. It has been a devastating week for many, and on many different levels. My heart breaks for the ones deeply affected by loss and the need to start over. I expressed to my husband the night the fires crept into the city that it felt like watching a loved one die right in front of you, and you have absolutely no control to help them; to save them. While I am so saddened by all of this, I am hopeful for our community to restore what has been lost and to rise up once again.

I certainly didn't intend this post to take a serious turn, but that background helps to make sense of tonight's story.

Each night at bedtime, the kids will prep for bed with Daddy, brush teeth, pajamas, all that good stuff. Then I spend extra time with Baylor (who is now 2 1/2!!), and he tucks in the older two. After Baylor, I make my rounds with the others to give kisses, snuggles, and as always, sing them a lullaby. It gets to be a long process, but so worth it. I have to remind myself they won't always want me to tuck them in, and I imagine the lullaby stage will only carry on for so long...

Anyway, Baylor has struggled with wanting to go to sleep the last two nights. That is a pretty big rarity for him. He has always done so well with bedtime and being ready to lay down right away. So, he was stalling a bit tonight and asked me at one point if I would rock him. Of course, I obliged but he had to at least let me change him into his jammies. ;)

As we're chatting while changing him, he says, "I don't want to go to bed." I ask him why and he says, "Because there's fire in my bed." Shocked that these words just came out of my 'baby's' mouth he says, "Fire can't get us there," pointing to the rocker. I couldn't believe it, and my heart felt so sad for him thinking of what his little mind may be processing as we've had news stories streaming and conversations flowing and tears streaming. I know children are little receptors to all kinds of things, but this one hurt a little more mostly because it made me realize how big he is getting and how each day he is becoming more and more aware of the world around him. He is becoming less of my baby every day.

Baylor, April 2012

He also reminded me of that while I sang to him tonight. I sang this song that goes, "Go to sleep my baby, sleep now little you..." it repeats that phrase, and each time he would say, "I'm not a baby, I'm a big boy," to which I rephrased half way through.

Finally, in all his efforts to stall, he says to me, "Mommy and daddy's bed is in mommy's room." Then we carry on with each sibling, stating their beds = their room. He then says, "I sleep in your bed." I gently tell him, "No, it's not big enough for all of us." Okay, it totally is, I'm just avoiding starting any possible new... trends...shall we say? His reply to me after a few seconds of two-year-old deep thoughts: "I sleep right next to daddy." He had the sweetest smile and little sly eyes as he said that, hoping to convince me that would still leave enough room for mama. ;)

I love my little guy and all the sweet conversations we've had as of late. It's such a bittersweet time - watching his little toddler self grow and mature, yet still having moments of complete emotion and tenderness, and wanting to conquer the world, yet rest in the comfort of mama's arms.

I will admit, it is tough to see these changes. There is nothing that compares to that tiny, squishy, totally dependent on you baby -- and here we are, miles from that.

Classic, and one of my favorite "BayBay faces" 

My motto in life is to "respect your season" and I want to do so with grace, but it doesn't change the fact that a mother's heart is always longing to nurture and often so with the desire of new life. Maybe the story is ready. Maybe it is ready to flip the page to a new chapter, and if so, I want my heart to be at peace with it. I don't know exactly, but I know the Author of our lives does. He writes our stories. I want him to always pen my days and for me to walk behind in total trust -- whether or not that includes sweet newborn scents, or the lugging of backpacks, or whatever else he has in store.

This past week has been a reminder that life is so dear and sweet, and it is only a vapor. It's been a reminder to savor the ones we love and to not cling too tightly to things we can never take with us when we leave this Earth.